Hazaron khwahishein aisin ke har khwahish pe dum nikale,
bahut nikale mere armaan, phir bhi kam nikale.
I haven't written at length on any public forum of late. It seems like a strange idea to me - of me not writing. A strange idea that is almost true. I have written in the closet, true, but I feel a little dissatisfied with it now. It seems like a response to the passing of life - its feasts and its famines. I thought I wrote to celebrate life, but I forget too. It is like losing the reasons and just doing it like dogma. I have always had problems with routines. I have always had problems with the lack of routines too. But seldom simultaneously. Somehow, I enjoy this fickleness. My room is sorted and cleaned up in a cleanliness drive, only to let the clutter build up until the next wave.
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
Yesterday, my mind said, "do what makes you happy!" Yeah, that was the plan! But how can something that made me happy doesn't lend the same emotion now? Probably because I am not really doing what I thought I was going to do - I am just doing things that are mere cheap imitations of that pristine thought. In this silly imitation game, I stopped doing some things and like anything subject to disuse, the associated skills have atrophied.
The good news is, I am beginning all over again. I am learning again to read for the pleasure of reading. More importantly, I am learning to sit and read. Sit in the sense of being steadfast and focused, and also in the context of holding a posture for a considerable time. Moreover, I will try to act on my understanding that mobile phones can be treated as landline phones too - particularly when I am engaged in some other activity. Somehow, a phone that can do everything sounds like a dangerously absurd idea to me. It is like wanting the company of just one person for everything. Why do I still do it? What if things are meant to be in this way only? In short, excuses. Also, I will try not to switch tabs while reading/writing just like I loathe switching television channels due to advertisements. I will try not to be too empty handed or overwhelmed. Most importantly, I will try to keep as many unimportant things in my bucket list as I can afford so that I don't mind losing them.
I'll try to do very small things. No. I will try not to do big things.