It’s just an itch to prove you right; about my inability of making it through any time. This once, just this once, I wish to break this competition against myself and build a make believe for you that now I will do as you dictate. It’s just an itch, to deliberately fail this one time. To step down from the limelight and flee into the shadows for there is where I might attain what I seek. To prove to you that I am the failure you always suspected but feared would never be and yet, I think, wanted me to be even if you don’t know it yet. I want you to give up on me, this once and for the rest of the days and then I’ll carry on with my devious plans. I’ll arrive at whatever I am aiming at, or, was. But not on your terms, on mine this time. To go through, I will have to lose this one time.
You ask me what is wrong with me, don’t I want to be the things I always wanted to be? Let me just ask you, who told you that I want to be what you now tell me I wanted to be? Me? The current me, or the me who existed at the time I told you thus? It is like you are trying to kill me by the weapon I created, like you’re telling me to commit suicide by using my arguments against me. Things change, the world changes at a menacing fast pace, and I’ve changed too, then what is the problem with the dreams changing? What you are doing to me is not dream chasing, it is dream chaining.
Taking the means for an end, no wonder you’re wrong. I refuse to carry your burden. They say if you love someone let them free and ‘if’ they come back, it was meant to be. Perhaps you never heard the ‘if’ part and took it for ‘make them come back’; probably, you sidled the messenger. I know it is okay to be selfish, but I too have a right to be selfish, and for myself, I am paramount.
You must see that all your jibes, ‘but that was your dream’ are not helping because all I want to do is shout ‘just shut up okay, it isn’t my dream, not anymore’ The fault is in me, I know, I can live with that, but not the constant nagging from an outsider (to my conscience) which serves as a reminder that I am not quite there, that I haven’t made it yet. I might never make it there, and I might even arrive tonight, but that is not supposed to be your problem. You say you want me to achieve what I say is my dream, but you are adamant at not listening when I tell you what my dream is. I’ll tell you why; because you know that I won’t get there and there you’ve slyly interjected a seemingly harmless statement, ‘Though I know you will get what you dream of, but if you don’t, I’d like you to live my dream, of being with me.’ And that is why you don’t want me to change my dream, because you want me to fail and be with you. If I keep hopping dreams, if I stop dreaming about anything else, your deification stands at peril, because I’ll always be chasing something which doesn’t converge at you. And you are reluctant to flow with me, or flow at all, because you think you’ve achieved a station.
But it is supposed to be about me and it shall stay so. So, forget about your dreams of me being there, it will not happen because you want it. It will happen when I hear the song in my heart, and I’ll know that it is right. You’ll have to trust, and let go if you want anyone to stay, me to stay. Don’t burden me sweetheart (for you are one), I am fickle minded as such and you never know when winds of change start to blow and take me away. Count moments, not lifetimes.